Nostalgi

He said:

It's a good thing to clear the air sometimes....

No matter what I do I always end up doing something wrong. Always. Why is it like that?

Yesterday I asked Mattias to please help me with the dishes so that I could make us something to eat without having to prepare it on the kitchen floor. And all I wanted him to do was to put it into the dish washer. But no, he couldn't do that. So we had no dinner. I ate some sandwiches and he ate chips...

Fine I thought, it's his decision then. So I didn't care about it. But later he started to blame me for his hunger. Then I said that you have yourself to blame since you didn't help me with the dishes. I have no idea what we said to each other, but somehow I ended up so angry that I cleaned the dishes my self, then started to clean the rest of the apartment. I clean when I'm angry. And he went into the bedroom, slammed the door shut, locking the cats out. They looked a bit surprised by that.

I continued cleaning until 2300, then I took a shower and thought about if I should go to bed or if I was supposed to sleep on the couch since he locked me out from the bedroom... I decided to sleep on the sofa since I didn't know what else to do.

It seems that that wasn't the right thing to do. When I woke up this morning, I decided not to be angry with him since I had cleaned my anger away the night before. Apparently he had decided the opposite, so when I kindly asked him if he wanted me to make him some breakfast he answered that he didn't want me to do anything for him. It sounded final.

I didn't cry or anything, it just felt like he kicked me in the stomach a hundred times. Since I couldn't get back to sleep I decided to go to work early. So here I am now. Wondering if it would be such a good idea to go to Sthlm with my company to eat dinner and play Boule tonight. I'm not sure I want to anymore. Mattias and I have to talk, but I'm not sure he wants to talk to me.