Nostalgi

The brain is trying to get out of bed.... Aaawww, don't make me think of my bed...... Mattias is still lying there, cuddling with the cats I assume.

Yesterday was ok. It wasn't a PARTY i can tell you that. It was just what I needed, peace and calm people. Dad is leaving with aunt for in a couple of days, how in the world am I going to manage without him?

Grandpa is going to pay for my shoes, three pairs. Wow, I love him so much. Just have to buy them. I love shoes, you have to try really hard to get to fat for your size....

Well, have to work now.

Puss och kram

I really don't want this day to be. I don't know why but I just don't want it.

It's not that I'm scared of turing 21, but... I just don't feel like celebrating. But I guess I have to, since my aunt came all the way from GBG. But it won't be big, just me, dad, and my aunts (3 of them). Mom got angry with two of them so she wanted to celebrate me on her own. And that's ok with me. And one of the aunts I don't even know if she's going to turn up.

Yesterday Patrik came with the fruit and vegetables that I ordered, though he forgot the cucumber... That's a sin... haha. So now I got a full refrigiator.

depressing note today....

Well, I'll work on my mood and in a few miutes I'll go meet mom, I'm starving.
Puss och kram

I don't want to be home this christmas... I want us to be somewhere new, some place we never been at before.
Far away, really FAR away. I don't want presents, I want to explore. Something.

The first really cold day that makes me think about winter and christmas... I really don't want to be home...

Every christmas lately have been a disaster, either you really have to think about what you're saying since there are people there listening and judging. People you don't like. Or you don't have to do anything since everyone else are taking care of fights, drinking, devastating comments or hints about eachother. And you can only sit it a corner of a sofa and think, "Well, atleast there is no blood in this fights".

I hate christmas, I get stomach ache everytime it comes around christmastime.

Well, enough of my self pity for now. Lets see what tomorrow brings. Beacuse there is a tomorrow too, don't forget that.


Love 

Lotta 

I want to be down there, it's so much fun. Time goes by so fast and there is so much to do.

There will be a lot of trips to crazy town this week. First to leave a blanket and a claw-board with the kittens, and to cuddle of course. Then on wednesday, to get my money back from mom. Then on friday, to bring the kittens home. And some of these day's I'll have to meet up with some friends to, for various reasons.
 
I'm starving! And it's not even close to lunch yet! GAhh....

Puss och kram 

Well, as always on friday mornings it was hard to get up when Mattias was still sleeping. Though it will be so nice to go to bed as soon as I get home after work. It would have been nicer though if he could have picked me up, but no. Atleast he was wonderful last night, you can't expect too much of a man.  

I don't remember any dreams today, though I know I dreamt something weird. And Mattias has woken me up with his teeth-grinding. (??)

I miss my kittens, I wish it was monday, oh dear, no I defenitly DON'T wish that. But in some way I do.

I feel sick, I think it was something wrong with my lunch today. Feels like I've been eating one kilo of carrots... *shudder*

We've got so much to do at work, I wonder why they don't hire more people. Well well, at least now I got work for some time. Ha ha.

One minute to 12 and ALL the phones begin to ring. Well, should really get back to work now.

Love

Lotta

I think that I tried to suffocate myself tonight, that was how bad the dream was.

I was physically and mentally trapped by a young girl, she looked a lot like Samara and Kayako Saeki (the ring and the grudge), and she had complete control over me, and my body. And I rather wanted to die than let her rule me. So I started to breathe in a way that would take me out of there, suffocate me  Because it was only thought death I could escape. (Sounds a lot like tha american version of the Ring, I know).

And I felt my body getting numb and my mind sharpen as she draged me around in this horrible dreamworld, it felt so real. By the time I woke up, I was still breathing like that. And it took me a while to realise that I was home and safe in my bed. My head spinned although I was laying down, and my lungs ached. It was really weird.

It took me a while to calm my self down and go to sleep again.

Sure, I've woken up with sore throat because I've been screaming and crying like a mainiac in my dreams, and even had orgasms when I dreamt about having sex. But I have never been so afraid that I have tried to kill my self like that before. What if I had continued dreaming?

Confused and unsure.

Beatrice was adorable, at first she was resting, but rolled over when I patted her. Then she got playfull and started to play with my headset. I didn't want her to chew on it so I put her down on the floor and started to move a pice of paper. She threw her self in to the game with a joy that was overwhelming.
The sad thing is that her mother doesn't seem to be so well. She's always lying on the windowsill, sleeping. And when I looked at her yesterday she was shivering. Poor thing.

The day at work went slow since there was so much to do, but I found a picture of Julia on the cat-center page that made me go throught the day with a smile. Eventhough she looks so sad I smile when I see her beacuse I know that she will be rescued by me, and I wont let anyone hurt her anymore. 



Love

Lotta 

Wake me up... please.

Had this horrible nightmare last night, again.

But before that one I woke up and thought that we allready had brought the kittens home, and that they didn't look the way they should. But I coudn't find them, eventhough I lifted my covering and everything. And suddenly I felt this chill down my spine, what if they had gone out through the window while I was asleep? I EVEN CLOSED THE WINDOW! Then I thought: "Well, I have to look for them in the morning". And when I laid down again my mind cleared and I remebered that we went to the cat-rescue center yesterday, and couldn't possibly have taken them with us yet.

The nightmare was even more frightening, I went to work as usual, but I forgott something at home, so I went back.
Then there was a girl in the sofa with Mattias, and she was so arrogant. And Mattias didn't even look regretfull. So then I screamed and yelled at him, went looking for one of the cats, since we apparenetly had them now, and packed my bags, still screaming like a lunatic. And for some reason, instead of hitting him with something harder, I hit him over and over again with a empty Cocacola bottle, a plastic one, really soft.
It seems that I can't hurt anyone in my dreams like I really want. One time I had this dream where I chased a rat/big mouse around in our old house and hit it with a dish brush. Haha my friend Cissi teased me about it for several months.
Perhaps it was my subconsciousness that told me that Mattias would never do that to me so therefore I couldn't hurt him. Anyway I woke up with a terrible stomach ache and it hurt for severla minutes. But then I realised that it had only been a dream and that Mattias was sleeping beside me.

Perhaps Mattias is right, maybe I should see the doctor for some sleeping pills. I don't know.... I really don't like the idea of relying on pills.... For anything... Not even pain.

Well, after the games today Mattias and I went to my hometown and the cat-rescue center. We only wanted to take a look, but when we left, we had signed us up for two adorable kittens. Beatrice and Jullan, of course they will be renamed when we get them. That sad past of theirs won't bother them anymore.

Love

Lotta

Mattias sister had a birthday-party yesterday. And then we met her new kitten, a mix between siames and birma, and something else. She is really adorable, really. And today Mattias said he wanted one. Kitten I mean.
The problem is that there are so many kittens for sale, and I can't decide...

I think I want to go by the Cat-rescue center tomorrow when Mattias gets home and look if they have some nice ones...

Well, see ya later.

I got really restless at home, I hate being ill.
But I'm not jeopardizing anyone here, because I don't think I'm contagious anymore. But you never know...

I was trying to do some laundy last night, but someone else got there before me, so I had to wait until they were ready, and when they finally were it was one o'clock in the night. And by then I was so tired so all I did was to start one machine, then set the alarm and went to bed. Then up again, put it in the dryer and set the alarm again. Guess who was tired in the morning. But stupid little Lotta didn't think of booking any time this evening... Why? Because she was to tired!

I've learned that eventhough people get their birthday gifts several months too late, they still appreciate them. I was walking around in this little store while I was waiting for the buss to arrive. Then suddenly when I looked up on a shelf, I saw a money-box shaped like a woman with her legs dangling down from the edge, and on her breast there were letters that said "Shoe Shopping". In a second my mind thought of Ibby, and then a second later I had decided to buy that money-box for her. So I did, and today I got her thanks. That is so much fun, to see something and in an instant think of a person, and then get the appreciation from that person.

Well, that was my little story for the day, at least for now. Have to get back to work now.

Puss och kram på er allesammans.

The weekend, after saturday ofcourse, sucked. Got this cold saturday night, and it's still there. But I will go back to work tomorrow.

The rain is pouring down, the lightning and thunders come closer, the first I heard was a really long and loud one. Cosy...  I love it....  Want more!

It's lonely here though... Canal+ isn't helping much, and my brain is to cloged up to read.

Puss och kram